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As I dismantle the remnants of what's left of my life I feel my heart growing cold and my soul going numb. Knowing you don't love me anymore is killing me, I just wish it would literally and not figuratively. Knowing you don't want me in your life I just can't bear it. I just want to run and run until my heart stops beating. I don't want to be here knowing you can't stand it anymore. But I have to for a time while I get my affairs in order. I have been homeless before but not like how I am about to be. I'm so scared with nowhere to go, not know what's ahead. But I don't want to be a burden to you, using you as you say. But the day is close when you won't have to think about me. I just can't imagine life without you again like I lived years before. Therefore I can only pray that the end of my life comes quick. This is not how I want my life to conclude, I want to live for you. But I can only blame myself for everything that has happened. How can you just let me go out into the unknown Knowing I have nothing to fall back on, no safety net? No matter what, I would never do this to you, my love. But oddly enough I do understand your reasons, I've hurt you. I failed you miserably, I'm just a loser with nothing but failures. I should have done more but I wanted to succeed on my own. But it's obvious that it isn't going to happen, or that it ever will. I have failed at everything in my life and above all I have failed you. Now I am paying for my shortcomings and your voice cuts me deep. To hear that cold, unfeeling and indifferent tone I hear now Is more than I can bear and it hurts deeper than you know. I don't want to hear it and I pray each night for God to take me away. So like a wounded animal I will just go off and die alone without love. There is nothing left for me, nothing I can do to save myself now. Believe me when I say that I don't want it to end this way, I don't. But what else is there for me? I have no other options to consider. So when I pull out of the drive for the last time leaving my life behind And looking in the rearview mirror as my home disappears from view I will cry one last time shedding those final tears with a lump in my throat And I will whisper my final goodbye, my last I love you to you, JJ. For Christmas Eyes is now gone and forever lost to you. |